Hogwarts vs Yaoi
by Kitsune Onna1
Summary: In which the Fourth Wall is seriously breached and trauma is had by many.  Especially Harry and Voldemort.  Minor swearing but that's just Voldemort and Harry having panic attacks.  This is so friggen old...but don't worry, it's been revamped.


Harry and Ron had noticed that Hermione had been acting strange lately. Every time she would see Harry she would turn red and walk away. Even the teachers had noticed.

As it had been happening for several weeks, since the school term started, in fact, many were wondering what in the hell had the girl acting like that.

So, like any school full of nosy teenagers and gossipy teachers, all of whom had no lives, they all made an effort to discover the origins to her strange behavior.

On Christmas break, a magic powered laptop was in the hands of the remaining students at Hogwarts as Hermione had forgotten it (actually it had been hidden by one of the Gryffindor girls as they believed it to be the source of her new oddities since she would sit there, reading _something_ and giggling all the time.) when she left for the holidays. The muggle-bourns were automatically assigned to use it. They ended up logging on to her e-mail (password was, curiously, I Solemnly Swear) and, after some unsuccessful fiddling with her word documents (sadly triple password encrypted), they were quite suddenly IMed.

_KitsuneCrAzY: Yo bookworm! I thought U was at Ur 'rents. What happened?_

This was translated by well meaning muggle-bourns as: 'Hey Hermione, I thought you were at your parents. What happened?' for those not txt lingo savvy.

There was much debate as to what should be done for several minutes until the unknown IMer wrote again.

_KitsuneCrAzY: Oi! Bookworm! U aLiVe there?_

Finally it was decided that Harry would answer back as he was closest to Hermione and knew how to type faster than two letters every thirty seconds.

_ImmaWhitch: Yea, doin' this in secret. What's going' on?_

_KitsuneCrAzY: not much, but OMG I did read this AWsome HP Yaoi fic, TRHP even! Squee!_

They all stopped to wonder what the hell yaoi, OMG, HP and TRHP was. Poor them. Harry shrugged, deciding it wasn't all that important, but probably would be of interest to Hermione and might even lead back to the mystery's answer, IMed back accordingly.

_ImmaWhitch: lemme C!_

_KitsuneCrAzY: __[Link]_

They clicked on the link and read.

Excerpt:

It was dark outside the cottage in Godric's Hollow. The lights were turned off in all the rooms inside the cottage, bar one. Lord Voldemort stood outside the cottage, just watching. He could sense very powerful magic wafting towards him through the gaps in the window frames and around the door. He smirked. He knew he'd been right – he was always right – the Potter boy was the one who was dangerous to him, not Longbottom.

End Excerpt

The entire crowd reading paled as it became more and more obvious that Harry's entire life was known to this person. It was out of pure morbid curiosity that made the star scroll down.

As the site was set up so that warnings were with the summery and thus, _not_ _visible_ once one was reading, it had no visible warnings to let them all know of what was to come.

A few absolutely silent minutes later as they all read with rapt fascination and then…

Teachers and Ghosts alike were all startled when Harry's yell of "_**WHO THE HELL COMES UP WITH THIS CRAP! AND HOW! HOW CAN THEY GET THAT FROM I 'I WANT TO KILL HIM'!**_" echoed throughout the castle. Several of the teachers rushed to the Gryffindor dormitory to check on the students and find out the reason behind the yelling, which was only growing more hysterical and incoherent by the second.

They soon arrived to find the majority of the student populace that was still at the school twitching and shivering. The rest were enthralled in the laptop.

Dumbledore, now intensely curious, went to look and see what had them all like that but Harry tackled him before he could even glimpse the screen. He did not have time to dwell on the pain that brought on however, as Harry was still quite hysterical and was now screeching at the top of his lungs.

"_**NO!**_ Don't you _**dare**_ read that vile crap! It's all lies! Lies! I'd never sleep with Voldemort! Or have his babies! Never! I swear! I swear to all that is holy, magical, and decent that I'd never do that! I swear!" Harry screeched, shaking Dumbledore viciously. He paused after that, though, and after a moment in which he was completely silent and looked to have gone into shock, he bolted off of the old man and ran away, wailing.

On the other side of their link, Voldemort was doing something very similar. He was wailing and clutching Lucius, "I don't want Potter's babies! I don't want to sleep with Potter, I don't want any of that! It's all lies! Lies I tell you! I'm a good Dark Lord! I don't want any of that! I want to take over the wizarding world if not the entire world!" he pleaded to the terrified, confused blonde.

Back at Hogwarts, one of the ones enthralled by the story, a magic raised witch, as it happens, smiled at the people around her, and at Harry's shivering form in the far corner from the laptop, then IMed the girl who started it all.

Very carefully.

_ImmaWhitch: Hey, we're not bookworm, but we are friends of hers from Hogwarts. I just thought you just might want to know that you sent Harry Potter into seizures and probably Voldemort too._

_KitsuneCrAzY: *falls out of chair laughing*_

With Hermione—

Kate looked at her e-mail and blinked, "Bookworm, you're logged on."

Hermione jumped off of the bed and ran over, "What? But I forgot that at…Oh my god, it has to be someone from Hogwarts! IM them!"

Kate grinned, "Yo bookworm. I thought you were at your 'rents. What happened?" She said as she typed.

They waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

The problem with waiting so much for IMs is that, since it's near instantaneous, you generally expect quick responses. Knowing that the other person on the other side doesn't type fast doesn't change this. Neither Hermione nor Kate was very patient.

"Okay, IM them again." Hermione demanded, caving into the irritation of waiting.

"Got it" so Kate typed, "Oi, bookworm. You alive there?"

This time a reply actually came with relative speed.

"In secret? From my parents? No way! This proves it, they're trying to find out why I've been so scarce. Let me on, I'm gonna mess with them." Kate moved out of the chair and motioned for Hermione to take it with a wild grin.

The two girls stifled their giggles as Hermione typed up a response. Then Kate's mother walked passed, throwing a 'don't maul them too much.' and they gave up on that.

"Oh! They wanna see huh? Send them 'Full Circle' by Aisling on HP Fandom. They'll _love_ that one!" Kate said excided after reading the response.

A little while later the Hogwarts students IMed back, owning up to the fact that they were not Hermione but that Harry was now having seizures.

Kate fell out of the chair laughing, Hermione typed this before falling to the floor from laughter as well.

"Oh! Let's see them react to Snarry!" Kate declared, rushing to get a link to a good one. And so Hogwarts lost to Yaoi for Yaoi is all mighty though not all encompassing.

Hogwarts vs. Yaoi: Yaoi wins.

* * *

Full Circle is an honest to god story. The credits for it are in the story. They are accurate. This is old as all hell and I did it in a fit of boredom. Pay it no mind. I own nothing, though, honestly, who would want to when you can do stuff like this?

Random OC is random. She has no background, no age, and no looks. She is simply a fellow yaoi lover and a miscellaneous friend of Hermione, because I highly doubt that the girl only has wizarding friends. I doubt all her friends are even sane. The gods know mine aren't.

This is also proof that the Fourth Wall is there for a reason. To protect innocent characters like Harry and Voldemort.

Complete with no hope for a sequel.


End file.
